the shannon list

Today is my three year anniversary of being married to my best friend. :) Three years doesn't always seem like a long time. But in some ways it seems like a very long time. For example, the Shannon from three years ago sometimes seems like a completely different person than the Shannon today. Dramatic, maybe, but stay with me. 
Three years ago I was getting up every morning and getting ready, leaving the house and doing something I loved. I was sitting through classes learning about being a Pharmacy Technician, I was singing in the car between Cedar and St. George, and I was going to work where I had full conversations with adults. ;)  Three years ago I was fitting into my pants, wearing cute outfits (with no worries of having food/snot/slobber smeared all over them within five minutes) and going out on dates with Matt doing whatever we wanted to do, whenever we wanted. We had game nights with friends at the last minute, without having to plan days in advance. I was playing music more often, I was taking notes in church, I was going on picture taking sprees, I was cooking exciting meals... I was positive, and smiling, and friendly to everyone without being worried about people's intentions (or being anxious about all the stupid little things that could possibly happen.) I read books, and made crafts, and tried new hair styles or makeup. I was a different version of myself then. 
Shannon now isn't a bad person, or a lesser version. But I start feeling lost and ordinary sometimes. There are days where I feel like I am totally and completely replaceable, because there isn't anything about me that makes me special. I don't stand out, I'm just a warm body. (Which, I know, isn't true.)
Today as I thought about my relationship with Matt, I felt sad for him. I haven't put a whole lot of effort into keeping myself up for a while. Not in ways that are going to last...  I got caught up in trying to keep myself 'perfect' physically... working out obsessively in order to reach a certain number, doing like three facials a day so that my skin would magically transform into an airbrushed look. Things that aren't realistically going to help me find me. Things that won't last forever.  So today with all this in mind I sat down and I made a list. 

Jaden made his own list too. ;)

I read over my list and thought about what I was saying. My list began with me thinking of myself, of what I wished I had the time to do... and ended with me thinking of Jaden and what I want him to learn because of what I learn. 

Between making peanut butter and banana sandwiches, and playing with boats in the bathtub I realized something.

I'm not 'ordinary' because of what I'm not accomplishing in regards to artistic things or creative designs. In fact, I'm not ordinary at all. I've just lost perspective because I've let myself get caught up in what society is feeding us. 

What I miss about Shannon from 3 years ago isn't that I was good at making cute lettering signs, or that I was a photographer. I miss who I saw in myself, because of the way I was prioritizing. 

When I got a moment to myself I pulled out the journals...

I realized that who I'm seeing now isn't who others have seen. 

 I realized that Matt wasn't attracted to me because I was a super model with all of these great accomplishments. Matt asked me on a date, and to the temple, because of light that came from what I was immersed in.

 I realized that I'm not the only one to have felt this way. And that my God will be my support. I love the end of verse 19, "... nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted." I do know, and I also know that those who trust in God always come through things stronger than they began.

 I realized that to become who I desire others to see me as, I need to know God. The fastest way to do that is to learn to love the way that He does- through service.

 I also realized that it isn't anyone here that's making me feel inferior, it's when I'm letting the adversary tell me that I'm not enough. It's when I forget that I have a role here and now, that I'm able to do because of who I have the potential to be. I have the potential to be that person I long to see in myself, because of Christ's teachings.

 I realized that 3-years-ago-Shannon was onto something with journaling. I may not have as many options for time to write during the day, but I do have time, and I can make time to record things. I get to choose how I remember these days, and how these days go. (Well, positive or negative wise.) If I want to accomplish all those things on my "to be" list, I need to write down the pathway between where I'm at now, and where I hope I'll eventually be as a person.

 Truly, writing is therapeutic for me, and always has been. I literally have an entire tote in my parent's garage filled with notebooks that I used as a friend/confidant/escape for years. (Some I think maybe need to accidentally fall into the garbage, because they're full of angst-y teenage drama that I think I wouldn't mind forgetting. ;) )

I guess what I'm getting at here, is that it's ok to feel lost in yourself; and it's ok to have a 'you' list filled with things that make you feel alive. It's not selfish, it's self preserving. I am a better wife and mother if I've been able to do something restorative for myself during the day. 20 minutes of exercise, or 10 of reading a book. Writing in my blog, or taking pictures that make me excited to post them. Things that make me feel like I am more than just a warm body filling a position. Things that make me feel like me. 

Now, if you noticed the last little item on my list, it was to use my social media accounts to lift. I want to be the person that others see on facebook and stop to read what I've posted because they leave feeling lighter. I want to be someone that others can find hope through.
So maybe this post was just for me to reaffirm what I've been realizing today, but maybe it was for someone else too. :)

We don't have to be pinterest wives and moms to be good wives and moms. There is someone who needs you over anyone else because you are you.

And now I'm going to go snuggle my person. :) Before I waste any more time feeling like I need to revamp myself to be any better at snuggling my baby.