Child of mine- a lulaby

After my sister in law shared my post about miscarriage, someone commented that this song helped her a lot. So I waited until bedtime and listened to it- because I knew I'd probably cry- and decided I wanted to share it with all of you. I had never heard it before, but it is so beautifully written. It's the letter I wish I could write to my angel babies. So so beautiful.

Miscarriage, Infertility, and hanging in there.

I really hope there are people out there who need this, because it is one of the least comfortable things I've done- putting all of this out here so openly. :) I keep having the feeling I need to continue to be transparent in my struggles, and I've been ignoring that for a few months so. Here it is again, and here is a link to a post about what I wish I knew before I had my miscarriages. :)

Over the past 18 months, we have lost 3 pregnancies. We have gone to fertility specialists, done fund raisers, had more blood drawn than I have in my whole life, had procedures and medications and emotions and hormones and what seems like failure.

I've been open about my struggle with anxiety/depression in the past, so I suppose its not all that surprising to tell you that going through this trial has exacerbated that. I've felt like I was in a whirl pool of thoughts and feelings- unable to figure out which way is up.

The one thing that has been consistent in all this, is the moments of peace we have been able to feel. I wrote about being amazed at the ability to feel peace while waiting for a definitive answer that my baby didn't exist last time I miscarried (link to post here) so you'd think it wouldn't have caught me off guard again this time. 

This time, the moment I got a positive test I set up appointments to be put on hormones to try and keep my body from aborting the pregnancy again. I was on a blood thinner, and extra folate, and the midwife was so optimistic. Two days later I started losing the baby. Of course I was devastated. My heart was crushed, I felt like it was too unlikely to have three losses in a row and so both Matt and I had begun to hope and day dream. This time when my heart couldn't even muster up prayers beyond hurt and tears, I still felt an overwhelming peace every now and again throughout the initial shock and pain. I can testify that it was because of the prayers from those who knew. I am so grateful that we have the ability to talk to our Father in Heaven, and to feel His love and peace. I know that I wouldn't be able to handle these heartbreaks without it. 

I've been thinking a lot about Heavenly Father's will, having faith, and individual plans of salvation. It seems unfair when you look around and see that some people learn faith and trust by receiving miracles, and some learn faith and trust by not receiving. (Or at least not receiving the ones they had anticipated. I believe there are always miracles, but sometimes we miss seeing them because we're looking so hard for what we want.) I don't have the answers as to why, or even the sources necessarily. But I'm looking, and I'm learning. The one thing that helps me right now with all my questions is knowing that even if I don't understand, God does. He has perfect plans for each of us, and He allows life to happen to us sometimes but He never leaves us alone when we are down. He loves us perfectly.

A while back a friend directed me to the KLOVE radio station (here in Utah County its 107.5 I believe.) and I've found myself listening to that station more and more often rather than any of the others. It is a Christian station, and they always have  uplifting stories, and music. One that caught my attention was a song I heard right after finding out I had a blighted ovum in August. It's by Hillary Scott and it's called Thy Will. I immediately felt like I identified with it, when I read more and found out it was written after Hillary went through her own miscarriage I loved it even more. She talked about how sometimes in the midst of hard times you feel like you don't even know how to pray. But as you submit to His will, you find peace.

"It's ok to not be ok. That period of discomfort is where a lot of the really incredible heart change happens." -Hillary Scott.

I'm so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I've got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done

I know you're good
But this don't feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It's hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you're God
And I am not
So

Thy will be done

Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is

Thy will be done

I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store
I know you hear me
I know you see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Good news you have in store

So, thy will be done

That song sums up perfectly where I'm at. Confused, lost, hurt, but wanting to do what Heavenly Father wants. (Honest to goodness I have to pray for the desire to desire His will. Sometimes His will is painful or uncomfortable- and I don't really want to have that be what I want. But at the end of the day what I want most is to have the blessings promised to me through my Patriarchal blessing, through temple covenants, and to have my family with me always. This is the path to get that. 

Ultimately, when I'm able to give up my 'control' and do my best to want whatever Heavenly Father's will is, I am at peace. I know that He loves me, I know He hears my pleading and sees my tears. I know that He knows what is ahead, and what I need to get there prepared. It's easier said than done to accept God's will, but I have a testimony that it brings us closer to Him, and allows us to have true peace in our lives. :)

Things I wish I knew before I had miscarriages

We have now lost 3 pregnancies, two at 5 weeks, and one at 8. The first time I didn't go to a doctor, I figured it was too late anyway and we couldn't do anything. It was gone. The second was our blighted ovum (original post here) at 8 weeks and I ended up opting for a D&C, because I heard it was less traumatic, less painful, and because I couldn't bear the idea of going on feeling pregnant while waiting for my body to realize there was no baby. The third was also at 5 weeks and since my body had begun to miscarry on it's own when we got the declining HCG results we decided to miscarry naturally. At 5 weeks, its usually more like just a heavy period.

Through my experience with the blighted ovum, I had a couple of friends who were open with me about their experiences and I appreciated it so much. There was no such thing as TMI, which let's be honest, in these circumstances is actually refreshing. We long to have answers, to know what's ahead in this painful time. Most of the time miscarriage and infertility isn't talked about openly, or it's lightened or censored because sometimes it can be uncomfortable. 

That being said, for all of you who aren't interested in hearing all of the details, stop reading right here. Trust me. 

But for any of you who are going through the same thing, and want some insight here are things I've learned through each miscarriage.

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

Things I wish someone had been totally honest with me about, before I had my miscarriages.

1- You are going to bleed A LOT. You will pass clots, and tissue. For me that was kind of upsetting. Each woman is different though, and I've heard some say it wasn't as big of a deal for them.
 For me it was emotional because each clot or piece of tissue I passed, I wondered what part of my baby or placenta or gestational sac that was. It was hard for me to just be flushing what was my baby down the toilet.
 From each nurse or MA I've talked to with concerns over blood volume, I've been told not to worry unless you're soaking through a pad in an hour. If that happens you can call your office or go to the ER. 

2- It can feel a whole lot like labor. Even with my second miscarriage and having a D&C days 4-5 were the worst. I felt like I was having contractions, and that was generally right before I passed tissue. If your doctor prescribes pain killers, take them. If not I would stay ahead on Ibuprofen and Tylenol to keep the edge off. Heating pads are so helpful. With this last miscarriage I'm fairly positive I passed most of the pregnancy tissue the night after I started bleeding, and then the rest days 2 and 3 after I started bleeding. Days 4 and 5 were more painful still in back pain and uterus pain... not totally sure if that's because your uterus is shrinking (I was only five weeks?) or if part of it is the psychological pain?)
I'm still feeling like I get crampy if I have a super active day or if I lift a lot. (aka carrying my two year old and the 5 month old that I babysit at the same time.) It's been about a week and a half since I started miscarrying. So give yourself time. It's ok to take a few steps back for a while. Your body is going through a lot between the physical aspect of miscarrying and all your hormones trying to level back out.

3- Postpartum disorders can happen even if you've only been pregnant a few weeks. 

(Postpartum Depression After Miscarriage or Stillbirth

13 Things You Should Know About Grief After Miscarriage or Baby Loss )

Keep an eye on your grief. One thing I've found helpful in understanding is that "healthy grief" moves. If you feel like you're stuck in one part of the grieving cycle and you can't move forward (or even backward) you may need to talk to a counselor or your doctor about it. 

For me, anxiety has been in my background before pregnancy, birth, or miscarriages. I have found that with each one it seems to be more pronounced. The NP I talked to recently told me something I was dying to hear from a healthcare professional: "It's not your fault, this isn't a sign of weakness. This is a chemical problem in your brain, this is an illness that we need to treat just like any other sickness. Don't feel bad that you feel this." It's something that is so hard to find your way through, but I can promise you this- it won't stay this way forever. 

4- Apparently miscarriage and the barrage of hormonal symptoms can cause constipation. And diarrhea. (Hormones are fun stuff aren't they?)
Get some stool softeners (colace is a good one) and try to eat healthy. And stay hydrated! It helps, and you will be so glad. Trust me. 

5- You might feel like you've been hit by a train. For me, I felt achy after my miscarriages. I also was nauseous still, and totally wiped out. I'm sure part of the exhaustion is from the mental and emotional side of things. If you develop a fever you need to call your doctor and go in. Infection is a risk during miscarriage because your cervix is open and infection can move into your uterus. Along the lines of infections- you'll want to shower instead of take baths, avoid pools, and stop using tampons and having sex while you are still bleeding- or for two weeks after (especially with a D&C).

6- If you have a negative blood type (or know you have RH negative factor) you'll get an RH immunoglobulin shot to prevent any dangerous problems in future pregnancies. It keeps your body from developing antibodies against the fetal cells so your body won't attack future pregnancies.

7- It's normal to have abnormal periods after miscarriage. It can take your body a few months to get back to regular cycles. My first period after the second miscarriage was HEAVY. Like fill the toilet bowl with blood heavy. Thankfully that only happened for the first day, and then it gradually tapered down to a normal flow. Same rule applies- if you're soaking through a pad in an hour you need to be seen. 

8- Technically you can exercise right after a miscarriage, but remember your body just went through mini labor and delivery. Your hormones are trying to return to normal, and your emotions can affect you physically. So if you decide to get back into exercising be sure to listen to your body. Now isn't the time to push yourself overly hard. It's ok to ease your way back into things. Be kind to yourself, and allow time for healing.

9- There are no "shoulds" with grief. What you are feeling is ok. It is necessary to give yourself permission to feel. Learn to sit and feel through emotions rather than trying to find quick fixes or shoving them away. "The only cure for grief is to grieve." - Earl Grollman
I have been frustrated feeling like I'm supposed to just be sad for a week or so but as soon as my physical pain is gone my emotional pain should go with it. Afterall, we're only on miscarriage number three. Some go through so many more. We haven't gone through IVF, we've only done a little bit of infertility treatment so I shouldn't be as upset. It could be worse. I have a healthy, wild, and thriving almost 3 year old- I shouldn't be so focused on wanting more when I already have more than a lot of couples get to have.
All of this is normal to feel- it seems like we have to compare our grief to see if it counts. Pain is relative, though, and it may hurt just as much or more than it does for someone else, and on the flip side maybe it's not as tough for you. It's ok to have these thoughts- its normal. But don't let them stay. You are allowed to feel whatever feelings come. They are valid. They are real. Your story is every bit as real as the next persons- no matter how different. You will have days that you feel like you're getting your head above water and then days when you get smashed by another wave of emotion. You will feel peace one moment, and anger the next. You will feel blame towards others and/or yourself. You will feel guilt,  and you will feel helpless. This is OK. But, again, just don't let these feelings stay. Feel through them- process- and keep moving. Healthy grief moves. That doesn't mean you're going backward. It is good. :) Hang in there.

I'm so sorry if you're reading this post because you're right in the middle of this. It hurts, it's not fair, and it is so so hard. You are going to make it though, I know it. If you ever need someone to talk to I would love to be an ear for you. (shannon.coffin22@yahoo.com) Hugs and prayers mama. You'll get through this.

Thy will be done

I have felt like I needed to be willing to be more open about my experiences lately. I’ve ignored that for a while- because I already posted once about my struggle with anxiety, and I felt like there’s nothing I can say that someone else hasn’t already said more eloquently. But the feelings persisted. When I first found out about our miscarriage I had the same thoughts and feelings, “You need to be willing to share this”. I hesitated again for a few reasons; one being that I didn’t think I could organize my jumbled thoughts and feelings into something that would make sense or even be helpful. The second reason I’ve struggled with wanting to post is that the last thing I want to do is make it seem like I am using my pain for likes or comments, or pity. That is not my intention in the least. The evening after that first awful doctor’s appointment, I went home and did so much googling. I wanted to understand why this was happening. I came across a woman’s blog about her experience with miscarriage due to blighted ovum, and links to support pages and resources. It was such a tender mercy to have those life lines in the middle of the worst of it. My intentions in writing this post is to hopefully reach someone else who needs those lifelines, and to share the beautiful moments I’ve experienced as I’ve learned about the peace that only Christ can give despite any trial or circumstance we are in.

                “But loss isn’t something the young can accept with ease. To fight against it was healthy; to fight was life.”                    

-Susan Evans McCloud, For Love of Ivy

July 5th was a Sunday. I was a few days late- which never happens- so I took one of the cheap pregnancy tests that I had at home, not really expecting a positive, but taking it so I could tell my brain to stop getting my hopes up for the millionth time. Ten minutes later I went back to look, and saw two little pink lines staring up at me. We had been trying for a year and a half, and I truly didn’t know if I believed it. I guess I was starting to think it would never happen for us again, but there it was. Two little lines telling me Jaden would get a sibling, that I would become a mother for the second time, and telling Matt that there would be a happy- albeit stressful- arrival right in the middle of his most intense semester of graduate school. He wasn’t upset, but he wasn’t thrilled either. He was amazing to tell me frequently that even though he wasn’t squealing about it yet, he wanted me to be happy and excited. We’ve waited for this for a long time. 

Weeks came and went, and I felt too good to be pregnant. I wasn’t sick- at all- and the only complaint I had was that I was falling asleep during Jaden’s afternoon nap rather than getting my to-do list done. I worried that I wasn’t feeling sick enough, but tried to brush those thoughts off. 

One day I started spotting, and I was so scared. I asked Matt to give me a blessing, and then tried my best to shove my fears aside. July 21st I went to the doctor for something unrelated, but in the process of visiting about things they decided to try doing an ultrasound just to make sure things were ok since I had been spotting a week before. The midwife took me back, and Jaden climbed all over my head and spit in my hair and made messes while she looked at the screen with a concerned look and kept telling me not to worry yet, she might just be bad at this particular ultrasound machine. She called and got me an appointment right away in their American Fork office, and I drove away praying my heart out. Please let them find this baby. Please let everything be ok.

The ultrasound tech couldn’t find anything either, and the doctor came in to tell me he was 90% sure this was a miscarriage. A blighted ovum. There is no fetal pole in there, and so your options are to wait for your body to miscarry, take some medicine to help it start miscarrying, or schedule a d&c. He wanted to wait and do another ultrasound the following week in case I had my dates off and just wasn’t as far along as I thought. At 6 weeks you should see more than what we did. 

So I drove home, crying. Jaden copied me in the back seat the entire 20 minutes home, which made me laugh, but mostly I just cried. And prayed.

This is when I turned to research to try and understand what was happening. The doctor had used the term ‘blighted ovum’ and said that basically my body thought I was pregnant, and was growing the gestational and yolk sac, but there was no baby to grow. It was a confusing feeling wondering why this hurt so much if there had never been a baby to begin with; but I hadn’t known that for 6 weeks. I had been dreaming of another tiny piece of Matt and myself. I’d been dreaming of my first baby becoming a big brother and of nights spent in a rocking chair holding my second child. So maybe physically there was no baby, but there was a baby for me emotionally and mentally. It was every bit the same as mourning if there had been a baby and it had died. Pain doesn’t follow logic. 

I spent the next 5 days in a strange limbo of grief and hope, and when the next ultrasound showed growth but no definite fetal pole they ordered a quantitative HCG blood test. I did one blood draw that day and had another 48 hours of limbo to go back to. The numbers rose, but didn’t double, and as they rose over those two days so did my symptoms. I felt sick. I was so grateful to feel sick. And then what was a good sign became a cruel reminder, as I waited another week before I could get into an appointment with my previous OB in Cedar for a d&c consult. We opted to do a d&c partially for my emotional sanity- I didn’t think I could handle waiting to miscarry on my own and feel pregnant for weeks before that happened- and partially because with a blighted ovum there can be increased risk for hemorrhaging. I didn’t want to be home alone with Jaden if anything happened. 

Matt was in the thick of his first semester’s finals, and if I couldn’t have Matt, I wanted my mom. I was also so worried about Jaden- I hadn’t been very attentive for that week, and I worried about him feeling neglected. I wanted to be sure that he would be surrounded by familiar people, I wanted to be sure that he would feel loved and played with. I knew I probably wouldn’t be running for world’s greatest mom in the days before and following the surgery. I have been so grateful for my family’s willingness to be inconvenienced, for longer than we all expected, and to take such wonderful care of my Jaden boy. The surgery went well, the recovery was more painful and longer than I anticipated, but hasn’t had any complications either. Things are going to be ok. 

                                “...Eyes that had been filled with ever- flowing tears dried. The lips that had whispered prayers of distress and grief now filled the air with wondrous praise, for Jesus the Christ, the Son of the living God, stood before them as the  firstfruits of the Resurrection, the proof that death is merely the beginning of a new and wondrous existence.” 

–Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, Sunday Will Come, October 2006 General Conference

Through this I have prayed constantly for a miracle. I begged Heavenly Father if there was any way at all for this baby to fit into his plan for our little family, to please save it and make it grow. Please let it show up in the next ultrasound or the next test. Please give me my baby. I will be honest and admit that when those things didn’t happen I have felt moments of anger, and felt my faith waiver a little. I knew God has the ability to make that happen, so why didn’t He? What I have come to realize is that He did send me miracles. He sent me loving ward members who took Jaden for me so I could go to my consecutive appointments without him climbing all over me. God sent me beautiful friends who brought sweet reminders of God’s love- one ward friend brought me a beautiful necklace with perfect little Forget Me Not flowers, and a print out of President Uchtdorf’s talk Forget Me Not. Another friend took me on a girl’s day, and gifted me a bracelet with the words, “Everything happens for a reason”. I’ve had sweet women who have gone through the same thing take me under their wing and tell me honestly what to expect, and helped me navigate the waves of emotion. I had friends offer to drive for hours to be with me for appointments if Matt couldn’t make it. Maybe the most touching miracle of all was being able to physically feel the prayers of so many. I have been so humbled at the responses from those who have found out about our loss. I suppose grief always has a way of binding people, but it has touched my heart to feel so much love, and to literally feel so many prayers. One of Matt’s classmates emailed him and told Matt that he and his wife were praying for us. They aren’t LDS (which of course doesn’t matter, I don’t know why it surprised me that they would still pray for us. I guess I have some open heartedness to work on. ;) ) and they don’t really even know me, but I can guarantee they are part of the reason I’ve had so much peace. I have felt strengthened in times I was expecting to crumble, and I attribute that 100% to the power of prayers from countless friends and family members. I prayed for a miracle and I got one. Perhaps not the one I was begging for, but one just as tender. I have seen more love, felt more compassion, and been truly humbled through this experience. That’s obviously not to say that I’m handling this perfectly. I’ve had my share of anger. I’ve done plenty of shower crying, and asking “why me?” But I am learning, and I am growing.

"Grief is not a disorder a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity; the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve."

Like I mentioned before, my purpose in writing and posting this was to hopefully be able to provide resources and help to someone else who goes through this. I wanted to list a few of the blog posts that helped me, and some talks/scriptures that gave me hope. I also want to put it out there that I am more than willing to talk to anyone who needs to talk to someone who understands. I don't have all the answers, I'm still figuring it all out myself. But there is strength in being understood and mourning together. If you have questions or want to just talk, I am here. :)
My email is shannon.coffin22@yahoo.com

15 Lessons Learned From Miscarriage - Chelsea Lee Smith from Moments A Day 

"There's no baby in there", Experiencing a Blighted Ovum: Pregnancy and Infant loss Awareness - Savy Life

Sunday Will Come - Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin; October, 2006 General Conference

Accepting The Lord's Will and Timing - Elder David A. Bednar; August, 2016 Ensign

Angel Mamas via Blighted Ovum Facebook Group