Through my experience with the blighted ovum, I had a couple of friends who were open with me about their experiences and I appreciated it so much. There was no such thing as TMI, which let's be honest, in these circumstances is actually refreshing. We long to have answers, to know what's ahead in this painful time. Most of the time miscarriage and infertility isn't talked about openly, or it's lightened or censored because sometimes it can be uncomfortable.
That being said, for all of you who aren't interested in hearing all of the details, stop reading right here. Trust me.
But for any of you who are going through the same thing, and want some insight here are things I've learned through each miscarriage.
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Things I wish someone had been totally honest with me about, before I had my miscarriages.
1- You are going to bleed A LOT. You will pass clots, and tissue. For me that was kind of upsetting. Each woman is different though, and I've heard some say it wasn't as big of a deal for them.
For me it was emotional because each clot or piece of tissue I passed, I wondered what part of my baby or placenta or gestational sac that was. It was hard for me to just be flushing what was my baby down the toilet.
From each nurse or MA I've talked to with concerns over blood volume, I've been told not to worry unless you're soaking through a pad in an hour. If that happens you can call your office or go to the ER.
For me it was emotional because each clot or piece of tissue I passed, I wondered what part of my baby or placenta or gestational sac that was. It was hard for me to just be flushing what was my baby down the toilet.
From each nurse or MA I've talked to with concerns over blood volume, I've been told not to worry unless you're soaking through a pad in an hour. If that happens you can call your office or go to the ER.
2- It can feel a whole lot like labor. Even with my second miscarriage and having a D&C days 4-5 were the worst. I felt like I was having contractions, and that was generally right before I passed tissue. If your doctor prescribes pain killers, take them. If not I would stay ahead on Ibuprofen and Tylenol to keep the edge off. Heating pads are so helpful. With this last miscarriage I'm fairly positive I passed most of the pregnancy tissue the night after I started bleeding, and then the rest days 2 and 3 after I started bleeding. Days 4 and 5 were more painful still in back pain and uterus pain... not totally sure if that's because your uterus is shrinking (I was only five weeks?) or if part of it is the psychological pain?)
I'm still feeling like I get crampy if I have a super active day or if I lift a lot. (aka carrying my two year old and the 5 month old that I babysit at the same time.) It's been about a week and a half since I started miscarrying. So give yourself time. It's ok to take a few steps back for a while. Your body is going through a lot between the physical aspect of miscarrying and all your hormones trying to level back out.
I'm still feeling like I get crampy if I have a super active day or if I lift a lot. (aka carrying my two year old and the 5 month old that I babysit at the same time.) It's been about a week and a half since I started miscarrying. So give yourself time. It's ok to take a few steps back for a while. Your body is going through a lot between the physical aspect of miscarrying and all your hormones trying to level back out.
3- Postpartum disorders can happen even if you've only been pregnant a few weeks.
Keep an eye on your grief. One thing I've found helpful in understanding is that "healthy grief" moves. If you feel like you're stuck in one part of the grieving cycle and you can't move forward (or even backward) you may need to talk to a counselor or your doctor about it.
For me, anxiety has been in my background before pregnancy, birth, or miscarriages. I have found that with each one it seems to be more pronounced. The NP I talked to recently told me something I was dying to hear from a healthcare professional: "It's not your fault, this isn't a sign of weakness. This is a chemical problem in your brain, this is an illness that we need to treat just like any other sickness. Don't feel bad that you feel this." It's something that is so hard to find your way through, but I can promise you this- it won't stay this way forever.
4- Apparently miscarriage and the barrage of hormonal symptoms can cause constipation. And diarrhea. (Hormones are fun stuff aren't they?)
Get some stool softeners (colace is a good one) and try to eat healthy. And stay hydrated! It helps, and you will be so glad. Trust me.
Get some stool softeners (colace is a good one) and try to eat healthy. And stay hydrated! It helps, and you will be so glad. Trust me.
5- You might feel like you've been hit by a train. For me, I felt achy after my miscarriages. I also was nauseous still, and totally wiped out. I'm sure part of the exhaustion is from the mental and emotional side of things. If you develop a fever you need to call your doctor and go in. Infection is a risk during miscarriage because your cervix is open and infection can move into your uterus. Along the lines of infections- you'll want to shower instead of take baths, avoid pools, and stop using tampons and having sex while you are still bleeding- or for two weeks after (especially with a D&C).
6- If you have a negative blood type (or know you have RH negative factor) you'll get an RH immunoglobulin shot to prevent any dangerous problems in future pregnancies. It keeps your body from developing antibodies against the fetal cells so your body won't attack future pregnancies.
7- It's normal to have abnormal periods after miscarriage. It can take your body a few months to get back to regular cycles. My first period after the second miscarriage was HEAVY. Like fill the toilet bowl with blood heavy. Thankfully that only happened for the first day, and then it gradually tapered down to a normal flow. Same rule applies- if you're soaking through a pad in an hour you need to be seen.
8- Technically you can exercise right after a miscarriage, but remember your body just went through mini labor and delivery. Your hormones are trying to return to normal, and your emotions can affect you physically. So if you decide to get back into exercising be sure to listen to your body. Now isn't the time to push yourself overly hard. It's ok to ease your way back into things. Be kind to yourself, and allow time for healing.
9- There are no "shoulds" with grief. What you are feeling is ok. It is necessary to give yourself permission to feel. Learn to sit and feel through emotions rather than trying to find quick fixes or shoving them away. "The only cure for grief is to grieve." - Earl Grollman
I have been frustrated feeling like I'm supposed to just be sad for a week or so but as soon as my physical pain is gone my emotional pain should go with it. Afterall, we're only on miscarriage number three. Some go through so many more. We haven't gone through IVF, we've only done a little bit of infertility treatment so I shouldn't be as upset. It could be worse. I have a healthy, wild, and thriving almost 3 year old- I shouldn't be so focused on wanting more when I already have more than a lot of couples get to have.
All of this is normal to feel- it seems like we have to compare our grief to see if it counts. Pain is relative, though, and it may hurt just as much or more than it does for someone else, and on the flip side maybe it's not as tough for you. It's ok to have these thoughts- its normal. But don't let them stay. You are allowed to feel whatever feelings come. They are valid. They are real. Your story is every bit as real as the next persons- no matter how different. You will have days that you feel like you're getting your head above water and then days when you get smashed by another wave of emotion. You will feel peace one moment, and anger the next. You will feel blame towards others and/or yourself. You will feel guilt, and you will feel helpless. This is OK. But, again, just don't let these feelings stay. Feel through them- process- and keep moving. Healthy grief moves. That doesn't mean you're going backward. It is good. :) Hang in there.
I have been frustrated feeling like I'm supposed to just be sad for a week or so but as soon as my physical pain is gone my emotional pain should go with it. Afterall, we're only on miscarriage number three. Some go through so many more. We haven't gone through IVF, we've only done a little bit of infertility treatment so I shouldn't be as upset. It could be worse. I have a healthy, wild, and thriving almost 3 year old- I shouldn't be so focused on wanting more when I already have more than a lot of couples get to have.
All of this is normal to feel- it seems like we have to compare our grief to see if it counts. Pain is relative, though, and it may hurt just as much or more than it does for someone else, and on the flip side maybe it's not as tough for you. It's ok to have these thoughts- its normal. But don't let them stay. You are allowed to feel whatever feelings come. They are valid. They are real. Your story is every bit as real as the next persons- no matter how different. You will have days that you feel like you're getting your head above water and then days when you get smashed by another wave of emotion. You will feel peace one moment, and anger the next. You will feel blame towards others and/or yourself. You will feel guilt, and you will feel helpless. This is OK. But, again, just don't let these feelings stay. Feel through them- process- and keep moving. Healthy grief moves. That doesn't mean you're going backward. It is good. :) Hang in there.
I'm so sorry if you're reading this post because you're right in the middle of this. It hurts, it's not fair, and it is so so hard. You are going to make it though, I know it. If you ever need someone to talk to I would love to be an ear for you. (shannon.coffin22@yahoo.com) Hugs and prayers mama. You'll get through this.
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