Miscarriage, Infertility, and hanging in there.

I really hope there are people out there who need this, because it is one of the least comfortable things I've done- putting all of this out here so openly. :) I keep having the feeling I need to continue to be transparent in my struggles, and I've been ignoring that for a few months so. Here it is again, and here is a link to a post about what I wish I knew before I had my miscarriages. :)

Over the past 18 months, we have lost 3 pregnancies. We have gone to fertility specialists, done fund raisers, had more blood drawn than I have in my whole life, had procedures and medications and emotions and hormones and what seems like failure.

I've been open about my struggle with anxiety/depression in the past, so I suppose its not all that surprising to tell you that going through this trial has exacerbated that. I've felt like I was in a whirl pool of thoughts and feelings- unable to figure out which way is up.

The one thing that has been consistent in all this, is the moments of peace we have been able to feel. I wrote about being amazed at the ability to feel peace while waiting for a definitive answer that my baby didn't exist last time I miscarried (link to post here) so you'd think it wouldn't have caught me off guard again this time. 

This time, the moment I got a positive test I set up appointments to be put on hormones to try and keep my body from aborting the pregnancy again. I was on a blood thinner, and extra folate, and the midwife was so optimistic. Two days later I started losing the baby. Of course I was devastated. My heart was crushed, I felt like it was too unlikely to have three losses in a row and so both Matt and I had begun to hope and day dream. This time when my heart couldn't even muster up prayers beyond hurt and tears, I still felt an overwhelming peace every now and again throughout the initial shock and pain. I can testify that it was because of the prayers from those who knew. I am so grateful that we have the ability to talk to our Father in Heaven, and to feel His love and peace. I know that I wouldn't be able to handle these heartbreaks without it. 

I've been thinking a lot about Heavenly Father's will, having faith, and individual plans of salvation. It seems unfair when you look around and see that some people learn faith and trust by receiving miracles, and some learn faith and trust by not receiving. (Or at least not receiving the ones they had anticipated. I believe there are always miracles, but sometimes we miss seeing them because we're looking so hard for what we want.) I don't have the answers as to why, or even the sources necessarily. But I'm looking, and I'm learning. The one thing that helps me right now with all my questions is knowing that even if I don't understand, God does. He has perfect plans for each of us, and He allows life to happen to us sometimes but He never leaves us alone when we are down. He loves us perfectly.

A while back a friend directed me to the KLOVE radio station (here in Utah County its 107.5 I believe.) and I've found myself listening to that station more and more often rather than any of the others. It is a Christian station, and they always have  uplifting stories, and music. One that caught my attention was a song I heard right after finding out I had a blighted ovum in August. It's by Hillary Scott and it's called Thy Will. I immediately felt like I identified with it, when I read more and found out it was written after Hillary went through her own miscarriage I loved it even more. She talked about how sometimes in the midst of hard times you feel like you don't even know how to pray. But as you submit to His will, you find peace.

"It's ok to not be ok. That period of discomfort is where a lot of the really incredible heart change happens." -Hillary Scott.

I'm so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I've got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done

I know you're good
But this don't feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It's hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you're God
And I am not
So

Thy will be done

Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is

Thy will be done

I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store
I know you hear me
I know you see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Good news you have in store

So, thy will be done

That song sums up perfectly where I'm at. Confused, lost, hurt, but wanting to do what Heavenly Father wants. (Honest to goodness I have to pray for the desire to desire His will. Sometimes His will is painful or uncomfortable- and I don't really want to have that be what I want. But at the end of the day what I want most is to have the blessings promised to me through my Patriarchal blessing, through temple covenants, and to have my family with me always. This is the path to get that. 

Ultimately, when I'm able to give up my 'control' and do my best to want whatever Heavenly Father's will is, I am at peace. I know that He loves me, I know He hears my pleading and sees my tears. I know that He knows what is ahead, and what I need to get there prepared. It's easier said than done to accept God's will, but I have a testimony that it brings us closer to Him, and allows us to have true peace in our lives. :)