Pregnancy numero 4.

*This was written around October 1st. I decided to post it because I felt so grateful for those women who were open with their experiences. I found comfort in reading my feelings on someone else's forum; in knowing I wasn't alone.
That is the reason why I am posting this. So others won't be alone. :)

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I haven't really been on here much since a lot of the infertility stuff and especially since the last miscarriage. It was my second. It sucked. I'm still kind of processing it.
Anyway... I'm turning this into my journal outlet right now because I just found out that I'm pregnant again.
Three months after the hardest thing I've ever experienced in my life. Long story short- I'm so terrified.

I was feeling kind of crappy last week and so I finally took a test on Thursday. One thing about doing the whole infertility thing is that I tend to have lots of tests on hand. Which is both convenient and awful. ;)

There was the slightest little second line, and I thought I was going to puke and cry at the same time. 

Oh crap. Can I go through this again? Is this even real? How long will this one last?

Who knows!

I took about a million tests after the first one, and even splurged on a digital. Which at first showed a very mixed emotion, "not pregnant". I finally just decided I should act like a normal person and wait to see if Aunt Flo showed up on Monday or not. Spoiler alert, I don't know how to act normal in these situations so I took tests in between then and Monday. But I did save the second digital test for Monday. It had the most beautiful, and stressful word ever: "pregnant". 

So. Here we are on Tuesday, trying to pass time and stay distracted until tomorrow at 3:15. 

Today makes 4 weeks and 3 days. I called the new OBGYN office I was planning to switch to on Thursday, and set up an appointment. They allowed me to use some leftover progesterone from previous treatments as a precaution until I could come in and see the midwife. 

I'm hoping she'll order some blood tests, and calm my anxiety ridden mind a little bit. We also set up the first ultrasound appointment for the morning of November 29th. I am praying so so hard we get to make it to that appointment. 

Last time I was having my D&C follow up appointment the day of my "first appointment". So. Not exactly as exciting. 

I have never been so grateful to feel so crappy! Every time I feel a little nausea sneak up I honestly get teary, because that's got to be a good sign! 

I'm learning not to read so many articles- broken hearts on the internet are a really horrible combination. I'm also trying my best to stay positive, let myself feel the myriad of emotions as they come, and to take it easy for now. I'm being careful, and this time I'm on baby aspirin as well as the progesterone and methylfolate (in case of MTHFR) so hopefully my body and the baby's body work together this time!
I've been SO exhausted, which is hard with babysitting Hazel. And chasing Jaden. And young women stuff. ;) But busy is good because it helps my brain stay away from worry topics.
I've also been pretty crampy, but more like the stretchy crampy I remember feeling with Jaden rather than the sharp, contraction feeling ones last time. I did have some sharp pains yesterday after I tried to carry Hazel in her car seat, and a ton of groceries all at once. And then again after we walked a lot for trick-or-treating. So today I've been doing things in mini sessions. I'll start a job, and then if I get feeling weird I'll take a break and finish it later. Also, so so much water. 

I'm not sure if anything I'm doing will make a difference- if this baby isn't supposed to make it, it won't. No matter how many supplements or ounces of water or breaks I take. 

So I'll just take it a day at a time for now.