Let's talk.

I've read a lot of similar posts in the last yearish... so this makes me feel like I'm totally jumping on the bandwagon.  Bandwagon, blog. Blog, bandwagon. (technically this whole blog was jumping on the bandwagon when blogging started being a big thing sooo... whatever.) Looking back at things, I wish I would have seen more of these honest, raw posts about what motherhood can include. Yes, it's lots of snuggles and smiles and happy tears. No, I wouldn't go back and change it for the world... But, no one told me about how sometimes in the process of becoming a mother, your hormones kick start a whirl wind of deep and intense feelings that you'd pretty much hate with your entire being.  I'm talking about PPD. That ridiculous beast that wants to suck all the precious time out of your days as a new mom.  Looking back, I think I've been frenimies with this beast for a good, long while. It's always seemed like I've been on an emotional roller coaster. After Matt and I got married I think I started on a little down hill, and pregnancy hormones threw it for a loop.  Pregnancy was pregnancy. I cried over Hallmark commercials, and despised the news because those were someone's baby who was hurt/lost/sad/etc.  On March 6, 2014 the sweetest little guy was born, and I hadn't ever felt so much love and concern for a person in my whole entire life! After the first few days I started getting anxious over literally everything. I chalked it up to new mamma bear syndrome, and ignored it for the next three months while it slowly and quietly got bigger and scarier. I got to the point that I'd have anxiety attacks just thinking about leaving the house, or answering the phone. (which seems totally ridiculous because I'm a chatty kathy and I loved getting out of the house before.)  I remember when our family came to visit 2 weeks after Jaden was born, and my mother in law and sister in law took me to get a pedicure. Bless their souls for getting me out of the house, but I was a total disaster. We also went out to dinner, and I think I had seven heart attacks. I tried to just act like everything was normal, but it made me feel sick to be so worried about everything! (I mean everything. Like what if I fell down the stairs and died. What if Jaden's chin was down on his chest and it cut of his airway while we were driving. What if, what if, what if!) Going to visit my parents was similar. I dreaded having anyone knock on the door, or hearing my phone ring, because it made me panic every time. The funniest part to me about all this, is that I didn't clue in on something being off. I honest to goodness felt like this must be my new normal. It just came with being a mom. Finally Matt talked me into calling my OB and talking to him about what I was experiencing. He was so good to listen to my rambles about how I'm suddenly this crazy person shell of who I used to be. We decided to try medication for a while and see if that would help me.  Guys. It was seriously night and day. I cried once it kicked in, because I hadn't realized how bad I was doing until things were better again. I hadn't stopped to realize that I stayed cooped up in the house, and how that wasn't exactly normal. I didn't think anything about not wanting to talk to ANYONE or about how angry I felt all the time. Poor Matt had been taking the brunt of it all, and I didn't even realize how hard it must have been for him too! I had been thinking all sorts of awful things, like how I legitimately felt like my family and friends would be better off if I didn't exist. I never had suicidal plans, I guess I'm blessed to be a chicken. ;) But I did think that I just wished so bad that I never existed. Jaden deserved a better mama who had the energy to play and teach and run around with him. Matt deserved a wife who actually took care of herself and the house, and of Matt for that matter. My friends deserved an actual friend who wasn't so self absorbed with her darkness that she missed their needs.  Suddenly, I could see just how ridiculous those thoughts were. My head was clear, and it was like someone had flipped a light switch back on. Nine months later, we decided to taper off and try going without medicine for a while. Usually with PPD you sort of 'grow out of it'. For a while I did pretty good. Matt had learned about a study in one of his Psych classes about people with milder cases of anxiety/depression benefiting more from exercise than from medication, so I was taking at least 10 minute walks each day.  I figured I was home free! The last few months of taking the medication had been rough, like maybe it just wasn't working for me anymore and I was getting frustrated. This felt so nice to not be taking anything and still feel like a positive person! Turns out my anxiety/depression isn't done with me yet. I still have days that feel so awful that I'm just ready to throw in the towel. And then you know what happens? A new day comes, and I feel like I'm in control of things. I'm ready to climb back out of my hole and start up my progress as an individual.  It's become a cycle now. Crap day, good days that make me think I made up the crap day, more crap days, good days.... I still have days where I think those awful, ridiculous thoughts. The difference now, is that I'm self aware of them, and that I know this isn't something that only I deal with.  That's why I wanted to write this post- as dramatic as it all sounds. ;) Realizing that other people felt exactly like me, and yet being able to see that they were still good people, good wives, good mothers, gave me so much hope! I didn't really tell many people about this, but it's felt kind of nice to be able to be open about it now. I wanted people to know that me ignoring their calls and texts, or flaking out last minute on plans hadn't been personal. I was just having some crazy Shannon moments. ;) So thanks to you guys who have known and have been patient with me. :) I love you all to pieces for it. My mother in law and sister in law posted a quote about Eeyore today, something along the lines of the cool part about Winnie the Pooh is that while Eeyore is obviously gloomy, he still gets invited to participate in things and his friends don't expect him to pretend to be anything. They just love him exactly how he is.  I may or may not have teared up thinking, "Yup. This is my family." :) Matt and I have pretty incredible family and friends and I am so stinkin grateful that we do!  So here's my two cents on all this. First of all, I think that this is going to be a common thing because we're in the last days. I think that lots of people struggle with these kinds of illnesses, and I think that it's awesome that there is more awareness of depression/anxiety. It's like there's a community of people saying, "I understand where you are, and it's doable. We can handle this together." Second. Medicine. I firmly believe that modern medicine is a HUGE blessing from Heavenly Father. Not everyone needs it, but there isn't any shame in letting it help you if you do. I think that Heavenly Father gives us these options so we can be present, and ok in our lives. Maybe you'll take it for a little while until you can get past whatever it is that you're dealing with, and maybe you'll need it long term. Either way is totally ok.  Third, if you're an anti medicine person I know LOTS of people who learn to cope with mood disorders without it. There's exercise and sunshine and lots of prayer. :) All of those are sooo soo helpful.  I hope this isn't a downer post, I didn't want it to be, but I'm not as eloquent as some of you guys. :) Basically I want this to be a post that can be the light bulb for someone else like so many other's posts were for me. :) And if you are feeling stuck in this rut, know that you are far from alone and that life is so so good. It really can get better, because of the Savior and his atonement. The cool thing about the atonement is that it's a twofold blessing. It is what allows us to repent, and it has enabling power to strengthen us so that we can face whatever life brings.  And I would honestly take all of this on again if I had to go back and do it again, if it meant I got to be Jaden babe's mama. He is the stuff of dreams (with occasional tantrum nightmares of course. ;) ) He has been one of my biggest tender mercies, and I wouldn't trade him or those amazing little moments for anything. But, that's another post in and of itself. I'm sure it'll get written eventually.  (If you're on a reading roll now, after my giant ramble, take a second to read this. Because, Elder Holland.)