unedited thought barf. (ew gross!)

Gross title, I know. (sorry!) I need to come up with another way of adequately expressing that sorta thing that doesn't contain barf in the description.

Moving on.

I've been thinking a lot lately about (you guessed it) pregnancy and the way it's portrayed and how it actually is- for me anyway...

It's hard guys. I try not to be that girl that over shares all the crazy symptoms and bodily changes and such, because honestly. The internet doesn't need to know that much. :) It's a public service, really. I've also felt like I should try to be super positive about it! (Which I'm sure I haven't been very great at.)

So. Here's my thoughts.

 

Pregnancy is hard. Physically and emotionally. Maybe you're thinking, well duh Shannon. But guys, in movies and books and everything it's portrayed as this wonderful glowing thing all the time! I mean even my email updates are like, "some symptoms this week might be nausea and throwing up *giggle giggle* isn't that just precious?" .... :/ Right. It's the bees knees. 

Your body does all sorts of new and weird things, everything seems like it's changing and you're supposed to keep your sanity through it all and find it endearing. Which, yes, sometimes it is! It's all for the cause, right? :) Right. So any of you out there wanting to slap me for complaining about this little miracle, hold your horses I haven't finished yet- I have lots of positive things to say too. 

 

Physically, there are ups with the downs. You start to see a little pooch and realize, hey! That's my child in there! How cool is that? And miraculous? I mean, hey I laid on the couch too much some days but I was building a pancreas! And when you start feeling your energy come back after the first trimester you feel like super woman some days. Laundry, dishes, house cleaning and studying? Check. No biggie. Cooking a real live meal? Yes please! Staying up past 8:00, woah, adventurous, bring it on! ;) Then when you realize that some of those flutters in your stomach are baby flutters and not just bodily function flutters, it's kind of amazing. The stronger they get, the more connected you feel. (At least that's how it's been for me.) The first little kick boxing session of the morning is adorable. ("Well good morning to you too Jaden!") When you wake up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and then you can't sleep because someone's doing ultimate punches you think it's just so awesome instead of inconvenient that the kicks always seem to happen right as you're about to doze off. :) Being pregnant is really cool! Really hard, but really cool. 

Now emotionally, it's kinda the same story. I mean it's this huge life changing event. Are you ready for this? Are you going to be good at it? Do you know enough about babies and kids and infant care and car seats and sleep schedules? 

Then of course there's the part where your entire perspective seems to shift. 

Every sad story on the news seems a little harder to swallow, all the stories get a little more heart breaking. I want to adopt every single hungry/lonely child out there. Girls are these temptresses that I'll have to fight off my son because he's not going to need any extra temptation. Strangers seem way more suspicious, bullies are ten times meaner, music seems more scandalous, movies are just filthy, pornography looks like this inescapable monster... I mean. Now I'm worrying about all these things that have always been there, but now they're going to be things my baby is going to have to face. I already feel so protective of this little boy and I haven't even met him yet! 

Here's the good thing though. There's plenty more positive things that our little guy will see and know about the world.

I want him to know that he has amazing family that loves him already and will have his back and pray for him every single day. I want him to know that there are helpers everywhere, and that genuinely good people exist everywhere you go. I want him to know that no matter where he goes or what he does, he's never going to be somewhere that the atonement and his Savior can't help him. I want him to know music, and books, and all the gorgeous places in the world that he'll explore. I want him to know that real love will always win. I want him to know that there isn't a "the end". I want him to know he's got a big burly farmer angel looking out for him. I want him to know that even though he can't totally block out the world's influence, he does get to choose what he lets in. I want him to know what safe feels like because he knows what home feels like, or what courage feels like- what accomplishment feels like. I want him to know the mountains in the Summer and Fall. I want him to know what service feels like. I want him to know what confidence feels like when it's from knowing who you are and whose you are.

This being a mom business sounds pretty emotionally taxing, but can you even imagine how rewarding it is too? I have no idea how I'm gonna pull this off (ok that's a lie. Of course I know how- it's called relying on the gospel) but I'm so excited (/freakingout/nervous/happy/can'twait/ohmygoodnesswhatdidwegetourselvesinto) about this next chapter in life. I have a feeling that Jaden will be the one doing a lot of the teaching, and that's going to be such a good thing. :)